Give It To Me
by m r s . w r i t i n g
Summary: Chapter 9: “So, you’ve never kissed another girl?”“Not that, I’d just rather not repeat the ninth grade again, if you don’t mind.”“Can you prove it?” “No, but I could prove it to your wife.” His face portrayed the shock that he was feeling.
1. Give It To Me

_Give It to Me_

I sat on the Cullen's couch, laptop on my lap, and I was in my pajamas. I was quite content, considering that all of the Cullens were in the house at the time. Alice, Jasper, and Emmet joined Edward and me in the living room. I wasn't self conscious even if I was in a tank top and cotton pants, plaid pants. But the room was silent. Alice was sitting curled up in a chair, reading a magazine while Jasper and Emmet played a video game. The Television was on mute, for some odd reason. I guess they could hear it anyway. Edward watched as I typed. I had taken quite a liking to a certain website, and since I was such an opinionated person, I ended up making quite a few articles on those opinions.

"Well, Bella," Alice said, looking up from her magazine, "I just might consider you a vampire with your speed at typing…" A smug smile covered her face. She had seen something.

Edward shot her a suspicious glance. I didn't really care and quietly mumbled a thank you and continued typing, leaving Edward in silence to roam through Alice's Brain. "I don't really like the song you're throwing at me Alice," Edward said, placing his arm on the back of the couch behind me, returning his eyes to my laptop screen. "It's lyrics are quite alarming. And no, I don't wish Bella was…" His eyes closed, scared to repeat the words.

"What?" I said, a little alarmed.

"Hot like me," Alice finished for him.

A loud "Ha" escaped my mouth. But Emmet's muffled me out.

I began to make quite a few typos and Edward noticed. "Maybe you should get some rest." It wasn't a request or a question. I looked to him pleadingly.

"No, I've gotten three whole pages down. If I get this last page in, I'll be done and I'll be able to email it tonight to my beta, and then I can post by tomorrow…" I didn't notice as my eyes began to get heavy. And my typing slowed.

"No, you're going to bed," he said sternly.

I pouted as my computer disappeared. I watched as Edward saved my article on a USB drive, and then placed the necklace, I put it on, around my neck. He then held the laptop in his hand as I got up. He led me up to his bedroom. He placed the laptop on the side table and sat down on the bed when I did. "You know, all I had was a little left," I complained.

"You need sleep, Bella," he stated firmly.

"Come on; just let me finish that last paragraph…" I pleaded.

"No," was all he said.

"Fine," I pouted. I turned and switched off the light. I then buried myself within the covers, not even bothering to kiss him good night. He seemed rather content, though, because he wrapped his arm around my waist. I wasn't even on the verge of sleep when there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah, Edward, Jasper just wrecked your Volvo!" Emmet yelled through the door. I thought Edward would at least hear the crash. I then realized he did when I said, "That's what that crash was…"

He kissed me on the cheek, aware that I was still awake, and glided across the carpet and out of the door. As soon as the door closed, I counted to ten, so Edward would be down stairs, and then I launched myself out of the covers to my laptop. I was impatient when It came to posting. All I needed to do was email what I had and I'd finish in the morning and edit what I had left to write myself. I took the USB drive that I had placed on top of the laptop and stuck it in. It took a while for the computer to load, not too much, though. Edward made sure to get the fastest laptop. I told him that I would never use it, but it turned out I became addicted to it. I had wireless internet, so I was constantly surfing the internet.

I began typing. I was sure Edward heard me. I began to save it, but Edward burst in through the door. "Bella," he sighed reluctantly.

He was at my side in a split second. "Edward, give it back!" I whined.

"No," he held it out of my reach. He stood and I balanced on the bed on my knees.

"Give it to me," I stated.

"No," he laughed, holding out of my reach even further as I reached for it.

I even stood up and leaned on his shoulder and reached for the laptop. "Seriously, give it here," I ordered.

"No," he laughed again. He lifted me up throwing me onto the bed laid on my back stunned. He put one knee on the bed, and I got up again.

"Edward, I want it…" I whined.

"No," he stated. "It's not good for you!"

"What!?" I exclaimed. I don't know how it happened, but he ended up with his back on the bed by this point. I got into a straddling position, yet he still was able to hold me back. "It's not gonna kill me!"

"Bella, with your luck, it just might!"

"Edward!" I yelled. He placed it on the bed, and leaned into me, but with a dazzling look. He was trying to dazzle me out of it. But I was accustomed to his dazzling, so I just ignored it. I glared and reached yet again.

"Edward!" I groaned.

He threw me on the bed, pinning my hands above my head. He smirked and replied with a final, "No." I groaned, frustrated.

There was another knock on the door. We both turned our heads, both exclaiming, "What?!"

Emmet popped his head in, an amused look on his face. "Sorry to interrupt your little love fest, but could you keep it down?"

I then looked up to Edward, realizing our position and the fact that telling the truth wasn't going to happen since the laptop was a clear five feet away, on the corner of the bed, and he was here, on top of me, with my hands pinned above my head.

"No! It's not-"

But he quickly closed the door with a "Thanks," his evil little smile plastered on his face.

I looked back to Edward who just burst out laughing. His head fell to the crook of my neck, but I pushed him off. "Great, now I'm never going to be able to look at your family, again!" I laid on my stomach and finally clicked "sent" on my email and then returned my gaze to Edward triumphantly.

"I'm content now," I grouched, falling back into my spot I had earlier.

He just continued laughing. An hour later, I still wasn't sleepy when Edward just burst out laughing randomly…_again_! "God, Edward! It's not that funny!"


	2. Brains

_Brains_

I sat in the Cullens' living room – yet again. Charlie said I just needed to move over there. He wasn't expecting me to agree with him. I think he was uncertain whether or not I would be returning when I left. I cried in laughter all the way to the Cullens' house. Emmet was skimming through the stereo while I surfed on my laptop – yet again. Carlisle and Esme had this get-together. Some doctor thing that I cared nothing about. I just nodded and wished them a good time. I had just emailed my article to my Beta when a very familiar song came on.

"Oh, my God, I hate Rob Zombie," Emmet complained as he reached for the remote to change the CD.

Surprisingly, I was quick enough to catch the remote. "Take it back!" I ordered. He looked shocked. "Take it back!" I repeated. I was a little offended. Despite Rob Zombie's attire, he was a very good musician and performer. I adored some of his most popular songs.

"Excuse me?"

"Rob Zombie represents some of the best creatures _ever_! I expect you to _take it back. _"So take it back! Now!" It wasn't like I had other favorites, but I had grown quite a liking for zombies, despite the state I was in when Edward left. It was just one of my favorite things to watch. I loved _Night of the Living Dead_ when I was nine and it scared me so badly that I was scared to take a shower until I was eleven, in fear that I'd be attacked in the shower by a preying living dead man.

"And what would those creatures be?" Edward asked his brow furrowed.

"Zombies," I answered truthfully.

"Oh, come on! Bella!" Emmet boomed. "You can't be serious." His smile mocked me. "You're sitting in a room of vampires and you're in love with Zombies?"

"You have no idea," I laughed, more to myself than to the others in the room.

"And how are they better?" Jasper asked, sounding a little offended.

"Jasper, really," I explained, pulling up a picture of a Zombie on my laptop and turned it for everyone to see. It was a clip from a movie that I wasn't too familiar with, but it was the background on my desktop back at home. "They may not be coherent, but they are basically invincible. They're already dead, and hey," I laughed, "how can something eating your brains not cool?"

They all looked at me as if I were crazy. I turned to look at Edward, amused at everyone's faces. I had never confided in anyone of my love of the living dead, and I was regretting that I didn't. Because I loved the faces I was seeing. Edward held a slightly scared look. "You scare me little one," he stated, his face screwed in an expression of horror.

"Ha!" I yelled, falling back into the couch in a fit of laughter.

"Alright, Zombie Girl," Edward chimed, "let's get upstairs before you make a total fool of yourself."

I got up, smiling amused in his direction. "Why are you always trying to put me to bed!?" I giggled.

"No, take her. I'm hurt," Emmet called behind us jokingly.

"Bite me!" I called back.

"Ooh, feisty," he hissed.

We were at the top of the staircase when Edward threw me on his back and ran us into his room. Before I knew it, I was thrown onto the bed. "Um, whatever happened to boundaries?" I asked as he crawled on top of me.

He smiled evilly, and then began to attack my neck with kisses, nipping at sensitive spots. I fell flat on my back, my elbows giving up, and I just let him continue. His kisses became higher and higher, but he avoided my lips. He took my earlobe in his teeth but he kept getting higher and higher and then eventually he pulled me up into a sitting position. He was then under my hairline when I asked, "What are you doing," but I said it in a laugh.

"Eating your brains,"

I pulled away from him laughing my head off. He eventually joined me, falling to my side. "Alright, vampire boy, calm down," I said, placing my head on his quaking chest. He seemed to be laughing a lot lately.


	3. Naked Jasper

_Naked Jasper_

I was sitting in Edward's car. He had suggested that we take a trip. And it just so happened that Alice and Jasper had a free weekend, and that resulted in us inviting them along. I was in the front with Edward and they were snuggled in the back. But see, they were doing more than snuggling. I had Edward's hand in mine, yet a look of disgust on my face. I saw in the rear view mirror, their glances at each other, their attempts at inconspicuous caresses, which weren't to inconspicuous. Edward only smiled, and took glances in the corner of his eye at me. I met him full gaze, a threatening look on my face.

I needed to get out of that car. I was beginning to get a bit of claustrophobia with two now-making out vampires in the back seat. We were now pulling into a town, and as soon as I saw a restaurant, gratitude washed over me. I had argued with Edward for taking this route, but apparently he had an idea to take it. I was familiar with the route I suggested, and I also knew that it was very desolate of places to eat. "Okay," I proclaimed, grabbing everyone's attention, "the human needs to eat."

"I agree," Edward replied. He pulled into a restaurant parking lot. He quickly parked and was on my side in seconds. He pulled me out of my seat, and then, suddenly looking away from me, as if realizing something major, his eyes shifted to two forms already making their way into the restaurant. "Oh my goodness," Edward whispered to himself.

"Please don't say it," I pleaded.

He chuckled. How could he chuckle? How was this funny? Was he used to this? I guess he was. I could have sworn that if anyone was lustful in the family it would be Emmet and Rose. But looks like with Jasper's emotion-manipulation and Alice's vision I was wrong. Dammit. I knew I should have brought Emmet. He loved to embarrass the family. I suppose he wouldn't have embarrassed Jasper. They were too close and wrestled with each other too much, and if they started it out in public, that would risk exposure, which would make me feel guilty.

But my mind shifted to actual words as Edward and I sat at a window booth. It was nighttime, but I still was in need for breakfast. It was only three in the morning, so I saw the possibility. "So are they like this at home?" I asked.

His eyes drifted closed and his head fell down, facing his thighs, and he let out a, "You have _no_ idea."

"I don't think I was ready for that answer," I replied a little disgusted.

"I could smell her arousal, my sister!" he exclaimed in a whisper.

"I know; that must be quite…" I searched for the right words, "disturbing."

"Once again, you have no idea…"

"Oh, and what about their thoughts?" I began to tease.

"Bella, you're being mean now." It was a simple statement, yet still very, very true. Edward and I had taken quite a bit of amusement in each other's embarrassment lately. We weren't as protective, but I guess I was just being plain mean. Payback for the laptop incident was what I would be calling it on my blog.

"No really, what are they thinking…" I laughed. I was making fun of them now.

"He wanted to just ravish her in the car, with us watching." I flinched in distaste.

"Well, you always said that Jasper was the irrational one," I mused.

"Perverted is the only term for this matter."

I sat in silence. By the time I ordered and my drink came, Edward's face screwed up even more so. "What?" I asked concerned.

"They're having sex in the bathroom…" he flinched again.

"Just now?" I thought they would have been done and paying for the damages at the bathroom stalls by now.

"For the third time…" he corrected himself, trailing off.

"It must be difficult, trying to focus on the world when you're trying not to focus on your sister and brother-in-law having rapid vampire sex in the bathroom of a bed 'n breakfast."

"Why couldn't they get a room?" he complained.

An hour later, we were sitting and I was just finishing my food. It was awkward sitting with three vampires watching me eat. But I just kept my head down. I couldn't even look at Alice or Jasper out of embarrassment. I glanced at Edward who kept his eyes on me or at the door. I was so quiet that even Jasper (along with Alice) began to worry. "Bella, are you okay?" Jasper asked in a concerned tone.

I only gathered up my words (my unfortunate truthful words) and stated, "No Jasper I'm not, considering I keep picturing you naked – _every time I look at you…every time_." Edward's gaze flew to me. "That's right," I confirmed his unspoken question. "It's Jasper – Not Edward, Jasper. Which – no offense – is quite disturbing." I suddenly felt my food come up at the thought of Jasper naked, approaching an also-naked-Alice. I got up, my own look of distaste on my face. "If you don't mind, I'm going to go throw up now."

I got up and made my way to the bathrooms. And then I turned, now aware of where I was about to go. I looked back at them. "You didn't do it in the women's room by any chance, did you?" I asked, pointing in the general direction of the table. Jasper shook his head slowly, and I felt my stomach quake even more. As I made it to the door of the bathroom I heard Edward burst into a fit of laughter – again.


	4. TWISTA

_Twister_

"I'm bored…" I groaned, yet again. No longer was I sitting in the Cullen's living room, which I figured out I was doing a lot lately…. A lot. Anyway, I was sitting on Edward's bed. "I'm bored…" I repeated, shaking my head from side to side as I almost cried the words, my head in Edward's lap. I never thought I would be bored with Edward. But now… I was… weirdly. I always thought that he could keep me entertained, just by his presence, my usually pondering over my love for him. But now…he failed. He failed _miserably_. I was so bored that I was about to reconsider being turned into a vampire because if this was what was in store…I don't want it. I'll find a way to turn _Edward_ _human_…

"I know, my dear," he said, bending down to kiss me. "One moment, I'll be back." He got up and swiftly exited the room, leaving me a lone.

"Cure my boredom!" I yelled after him as he closed the door behind him. I waited, and then seconds later, there he was, with a box with a bunch of dots on it… "Twister?" I laughed.

"What," he stated, "vampires are flexible," he wore his crooked smile, and my heart was turned into mush.

"I suppose…" I half laughed, half scoffed. I looked back to him, raising my eyebrow. "Edward, I'm not flexible…"

"You don't have to be flexible," he kissed me on my cheek and then in one swift movement, he was placing the mat on the floor. I hadn't played in a long time. I wouldn't know very much of the game, but what I did remember of the game was my opinion of it. It was very simple minded, very easy for the mind to understand. It was the physical aspects it required that I…lacked.

I got down on the carpeted floor and Edward let me go first. I ended up with my knee on a green dot, and my hand on a red dot. Edward ended up under me, on elbow on a red dot, his foot on green. It was funny. I should have considered it practice for our honey moon with how many positions I was ending up in. It was almost scary.

About half an hour into the game, Edward was holding himself up with on elbow and a foot again, but this time, I was too. I was on top of him, my back on his chest, and it was taking all I could do to stay up from collapsing all over him. He reached one foot over to spin the arrow and it was hopeless I fell, laughter and all.

"Pfft!" I almost bit my tongue off but I didn't care, because I was rolling –off of Edward- and onto the floor laughing my butt off.

"Bella," he laughed, but a little concerned, "are you okay?"

I was nodding my head as I shook in violent, painful laughter. Edward's attention was caught when Emmet poked his head in the door again similar to the night we were mistaken for…well…

"hey, once again, could you guys quit being so twisted and calm down?"

My laughing became harder.

"Oh my God…!!" I wheezed. "Haha…aaahaa." I was running out of air.

I fell onto my side. Edward only climbed up on top of me, laughing, and kissed me on my cheek. "I love you," he said.

I turned to kiss him, but as soon as my lips met his I turned my head to let out another loud laughter.

Emmet went, "What's so funny?" He raised an eyebrow, "Rose and I play Twister all the time."

"The R-rated kind!" I laughed.

"No," Edward corrected, "NC-17."

"Ha!"

And then, suddenly, for some strange, odd reason, Alice jumped passed Emmet with…a camera?

Something tells me I won't be forgetting this mind blowing pain and laughter. And something also tells me I have a new default for my myspace.


	5. Spider Monkey: The Felony

_Spider Monkey_

"Come on Bella!" they all chimed.

"No!" I called for the last time. I was forbidden to ever reveal this embarrassing moment of Edward's. Believe it or not, over the years, he had been able to convince his siblings that he was – all over – perfect. I was impressed. He _was_ perfect. His embarrassing moment did not shrink that level of perfection in anyway. It was my absurd – but still random and uncalled for – action that made it embarrassing. Alice had foreseen my stunt and had been laughing her little pixie butt off ever since – giggling her little pixie off and rolling on the floor and all.

"Please-" Alice began to beg, but Edward interrupted.

"Hey spider monkey!" Edward stood in the doorway checking his watch nonchalantly. "We're gonna be late!"

My teeth clenched and my eyes drew closed in a bit of anger and a lot of embarrassment. How was I supposed to retaliate to that? Especially to a walking Alice and a booming Emmet? The fact that both Rosalie and Jasper were sitting at the Dining Room table with confused-as-hell looks on their faces did not help. Also, the thought that Emmet was clueless and was still laughing did not comfort me any either. (Imagine what would await me later…)

But my retaliation just hit the air. I hadn't expected it to. It just escaped my mouth. Never! _Never_ had I ever threatened Edward in front of his family. But, as Esme says, there's a first time for everything.

"Do you want me to throw another dictionary at you!?"

He stood there – stunned. Emmet's laughter almost broke the windows – _As did Alice's_! No, vampires didn't need air to breath, or to breath at all, but if Alice didn't let in some air soon, Esme would have to arrange for a cleaning crew to come to sweep up thousands of particles of pixie dust, due of the Pixies herself combusting.

Suddenly, forgetting my surroundings I replayed the stunt with Edward in my head!


	6. Spider Monkey : The Felon

_Spider Monkey 2_

"_Edward, I swear to Goodness if you don't shut the hell up and quit calling me that?!" I said to him in a threatening tone. _

"_Oh, come on, Spider Monkey," he teased._

"_Okay, that's it!" I ran to my bookshelf, looking for the biggest thing to throw. My eyes caught on a Webster's dictionary. It was thick…enough. I picked it up and launched it in the air towards Edward. I was so, so, so very surprised with myself. Even though Edward had more than sufficient senses, I was still able to throw the dictionary and hit him flat across the face. He looked shock, the very smidgen of laughter gone from him._

"_Did you just throw a dictionary at me?" he asked bewildered, obviously shocked that I was able to cause harm – if you could call it that in his circumstance – to anyone, especially him._

_I kept my strict face and turned to pick up an encyclopedia which was a bit bigger than the dictionary I had chosen as my weapon. "You wanna a reply with a bit of tweak?" I threatened, holding up my new pick, trophy-style._

"_No," he shook his head, falling back onto the bed as if a bit obediently. I found it a bit arousing, being in control of him like this. I smiled to myself, satisfied of my taking charge, and dropped the encyclopedia back onto my book shelf. I padded to my bed, nonchalantly, a normal smile on my face and snuggled into my bed against the pillows._

_Edwards still sat at the foot of the bed. "Edward, love, are you coming to bed?" I asked. _

_He _obediently_ got up and made his way to his side that he usually sat on, and I snuggled into his chest, completely content, and un-phased. _

I sat there, at the Cullen's table giggling to myself. "What?! What?! What?!" Alice begged, jumping up and down. "Please, please, please tell them!" she kept on begging.

With a silent laugh, I considered. Edward _had_ just embarrassed me in front of both Emmet and Alice, and confused Rosalie and Jasper. And he knew I hated uncomfortable situation. So…

I spilled.

Even with Edward now standing behind me, awe struck.

And as I predicted… Alice busted into thousands of little particles of Pixie dust. No, not really, but she might as well have. And then I asked myself silently, in my mind, in pure thought…

"Do vampires fart?!"


	7. That's Right!

_That's Right!_

I walked into my room, tired as can be. Charlie insisted that I watch the game with him. "Never old man!" I said to myself. I collapsed onto my bed. Just a few more weeks until the wedding. Something is going to go wrong, I just know it. Like, someone is going to fall into the cake, or perhaps my skirt will rip. I wasn't sure. My eyes fell closed as I heard the chirp from my computer. I opened them lazily and peered at it from my bed. I saw a little blue window. "My IM?" I thought. No one ever IM's me anymore. I certainly don't IM my mother. I IM my friends from Phoenix, but that was it… They don't ever IM me anymore because I'm always out planning the wedding with Alice.

I padded over to my computer. "Humanlover1901?" I laughed. "Wow, Edward," I said to myself, in a chuckle. For some reason, as if feeling Edward was in the room, I looked precautious towards my door. I sat down and smiled. "_Nice Edward_," I typed.

"_Mmm, I'm glad you think so." _I could just see his smirk as he sat on his couch with a laptop.

"_When did you start IMing_?" I typed.

"_I believe a minute and forty-five seconds ago_."

"_Smartass." _

"_And you love it." _

"_Reluctantly." _

"_Proudly." He corrected me. _

"_Shut up!"_

"_LoL, I don't think that's possible considering I'm not talking."_ His messages kept coming so quickly. It took him no time at all to type. Though, why would it think…wait!

"_Edward, did you just use "LoL"?" _

"_What if I did?"_

"_OMC,"_ I laughed, but typed it as well.

"_OMC?"_ He asked.

"_Oh My Carlisle,"_ I answered. I wasn't sure where I got it from. I believe Alice had gotten me loopy from sleep deprivation one night, I began the saying and stuck with it.

"_Why are you saying my father's name in vain?"_

I laughed. I would have loved to see his face. _"Send me a picture of your facial expression Edward…"_

"_Answer me."_ I didn't know if he was laughing or angry.

"_Would you rather I say_ your _name in vain instead_?" I couldn't help but feel the perverted smile on my face creep up.

"_Yes. Yes I would."_ It was as simple as that. I didn't start laughing instead; I felt rather….aroused…. Oddly, that is.

"OME?" I laughed…. "OME," I typed.

"_Much better. I expect you to be saying that a lot on our wedding night…." _

My eyes widened. Was he serious? _"You are such a tease,"_ I typed.

"_Yes, I am. And you love it."_

"_Reluctantly,"_ I typed again.

"_Proudly,"_ he corrected as well.

"_OME."_.

"_That's right!" _


	8. Jasper's Dignity

_Jasper's Dignity_

"Though, I'm sure vampires don't have gag reflex," I replied.

"Hah, just ask Alice," Rosalie sneered as she left the room. Alice's face fell.

"Poor Alice," I said more to myself than to her.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, and wait!" Alice interrupted my thoughts. (Why would Alice know about vampires having gag reflex?) "How do _you_ know about vampires having gag reflex?"

I pondered the thought of it. Hmmm. "Hey Emmet!" I called standing up, "Come here!"

Edward's eyes went wide as he read his book on the couch. "Come down Edward," Alice cooed. "We're just gonna shove something down his throat…" Her eyes shifted from side to side.

Edward snickered, "the question is _what are you going to shove down his throat?_"

He was right. My pondering returned. "Hey Jasper! Come here!"

And to my surprise, Alice did not object.

Emmet popped up beside me. "Little sister," he cooed teasingly.

"Big brother?" I questioned in return. Really? Was I supposed to reply that even after the wedding and for the rest of eternity? "Anyway," I shook it away, "we're trying to find out if vampires have gag reflex."

He laughed. "Ha, just ask Alice!"

"Oh my God!" she breathed angrily. She really should have seen that coming. No, literally, she should have seen that coming…

Suddenly, Jasper appeared beside Emmet. "What was that?"

"Gag reflex," I replied.

I swear if he could blush he'd be cherry red. He cleared his throat and his eyes shifted. As he looked away, a sly grin plastered itself on Emmet's face. "Dude, we weren't serious when we said what we said to Alice." Jasper looked away still. "You're not serious?" Alice tried to leave but I placed a hand on her shoulder, telling her to stay.

"Shove down his throat already," Edward grumbled behind us, angry.

To my dismay, Carlisle popped into the living room, a curious look on his face. "Do what?"

"Gag reflex!" I stated annoyed.

He seemed to know what I mean, because (even though vampires don't cough) he coughed, and I swear I heard, "Alice," behind it. I was right because she death glared him, and oddly, I fell. I didn't trip over anything, I just…fell. It was completely random and unprecedented.

I got up. "I'm alright!" I stated. Edward growled in anger. I was getting angry myself. Fine. I was going to take things into my own hands. "Emmet, down on your knees."

"Ooh, Bella, I like this side of you," he teased. I rolled my eyes.

Once he was on his knees (why he complied I have no clue) I said, "No Jasper, unzip your pants."

"Excuse me!"

"Unzip your pants," I repeated slowly.

"No way!"

Emmet's eyes went wide as he realized what we were doing. "Fine." I gave in. I pushed past Emmet and stood in front of Jasper and began undoing his belt.

"Um, Bella, what are you doing?" Jasper asked shakily.

Alice was just as uneasy. "I don't think I like you so close to my husband's crotch, Bella?"

"Don't worry," I retorted, "I don't want your saliva on my hands anyway."

Edward actually laughed at that. As soon as I got Jasper's fly unzipped….

!!BAM!! A flash of light illuminated the room. It was as if seeing the world for the first time, then Emmet ruined it by talking……

"Jasper gets special effects whenever he undoes his pants! No fair!"

Alice snickered, "Yeah, we could get you special effects, but it would probably be a bunch of sad violins…"

I ignored those two and looked up to Jasper, who looked so embarrassed at the moment. "Where do you get your jeans?" I asked.

"Internet," he replied.

"What?" I laughed.

"God, Bella, it's not like I got them off eBay or something.

"Well, it's just a cool pair of pants; I mean, I'd love to get a bra that does that."

Then, Edward popped in victoriously, "You don't need it." I would usually think he was just trying to make me feel better, but he was serious.

"Dude!" Emmet laughed, forgetting his current predicament.

"Okay, we're getting off task!" I announced.

"Emmet," Alice popped in, furiously, "blow Jasper." Jasper's eyes went wide, and tried to leave, but Alice death glared him. (I swear she rapes him at night.)

Emmet then whined, "Can't you do it!"

Alice fell. Literally, flat on the floor fell.


	9. Overload

_Overload_

I was sitting in Edward's room. I was also bored. The Cullens had cultivated down in the living room and I heard their laughter. I wanted no part in it. I hadn't a clue why. I was just bushed. I wanted to be alone, yet I wanted my boredom to be lifted as well. So I did what every teenage girl does when they're bored, I craved candy. I jumped off of the bed and made my way to the door. I placed my hands into my jacket that practically went down to my knees, which were covered in sweats. I just began to wear sweats when I was at the Cullens'. I was cold every time… I had to make my way into the living room in order to get to the kitchen. I overheard the boys' conversation as all of the Cullens – including Edward – sat in the sitting area, talking and laughing.

"So, you've never kissed another girl?" Emmet asked Rosalie.

"No," she laughed in denial.

I stopped right then. I could feel the awkward look on my face as recollection struck me. I also felt the Cullens' gaze. Just as robotically as I stopped, I turned around, turning on the cloth that was trapped under my heel, and I began my way back to the staircase, not wanting any part of this conversation. I had already been in a conversation such as that and I ended up all over MySpace for it!

"What's wrong Bella?" Emmet blocked my way, a smirk plastered across his face. Damn vampire speed. "The conversation getting too awkward for you?"

"No, I'd just rather not repeat the ninth grade again, if you don't mind." I had said it before I had enough time to register it. I immediately mentally slapped myself for saying such a thing.

I turned, only for Emmet to block my path again. "Oh is that true?" he laughed. "Can you prove it?" he challenged.

I couldn't help but for my competitive side to take hold. "No, but I could prove _it to your wife_." His face portrayed the shock that he was feeling. I heard a wave of "Ohs" come from the group at the sofas. I smirked and maneuvered around him. He was frozen solid.

"What do you mean Bella?" I turned to see Alice turned around, leaning over the back of the sofa, a questioning expression covering her face.

I turned fully and sighed. "Oh come on Alice! Give it a rest! Every girl's done it! And they all blame it on 'an innocent game of truth or dare'" I used air quotes, which emphasized my mocking tone, "when really, _they_ were the ones who had the idea for the game _and_ were the ones to make that dare in the first place!" I was surprised that I was telling the Cullens this without blush creeping up my cheeks, but I was making them feel awkward, and I was sure that Edward could have crawled under a rock at that moment. I was controlling their reactions and I loved it! For once, I wasn't the one who could have shrunk! They never thought I could have done such a thing… Oh, this is going to be fun.

I turned away, letting Alice's jaw drop. "So what are you saying Bella?" I heard Rosalie. That girl had balls, I'm telling you that. She wasn't falling for my manipulation…

Once again, I turned around. "I am saying that yes, I have kissed another girl. Am I going into detail? No I am not. Why? Because it's not any of your business, and that was a choice that I made and that I shouldn't have to explain myself for." I smirked once again. Edward actually fell out of his chair. Jasper did his best to muffle a laugh.

"No, no, no! Bella, come back!" Emmet grabbed hold of my arm and guided me over to the seating are.

I growled. "I'm never gonna get my candy…" Emmet let out his perverted laugh at my remark. "Pervert," I muttered. At least my boredom was getting cured.

"What else about you don't we know?" Emmet asked.

At that moment, Edward got up and made his way to the staircase. "I'm gonna go use the bathroom now…" he stated, the awkwardness he was feeling oozing off of him.

"But you're a vampire. You don't use the bathroom," I called after him.

"I don't care! I'm gonna go try!" He was making any excuse to get out of the room.

"Let him go," Emmet stated, "What else about you is there?"

I stared at the faces that all stared back at me intently. Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, Emmet, and even Esme and Carlisle were all just itching to know. If I was going to tell them something, I was going to tell them something that would be worth telling. I wanted a hell of a reaction from them. "Well, as you all know…" I began. "I never dated anyone other than Edward."

"Yeah," Emmet laughed. "I don't know why, you're hot…" He was interrupted by Rosalie elbowing him in the gut. Lucky. I would do anything to be able elbow Edward. (Note: Get personal elbower to elbow Edward with…)

"Thank you Emmet…I think…" I pushed that aside. "Anyway, I just realized the other day that the only reason why I even dated Edward was because of one thing."

"What's that?" Alice asked with excitement in her eyes.

I shifted, sitting on my legs. "I like older men."

I heard a couple of laughs and a loud "ha" from Jasper…oddly.

"I never would have thought so," Rosalie stated as a matter of factly.

Carlisle shifted in his seat. I see where Edward gets it from. I thought I might as well add a little more tension to the aura. "I swear; if I would have known how old Carlisle was, I probably never would have looked in Edward's direction…"

Esme let out a fit of giggles. Carlisle gulped. I could have roared with laughter. But I kept going. "I'm serious. Carlisle's eternal youth and his marriage to Esme were probably the only things that kept me away from him."

"Eternal youth?" Emmet repeated.

"Well, I mean, he looks like he's only in his twenties, even if he states to be in his thirties… Still, that's not old enough for me." I heard a very loud crash. I wasn't sure if Edward was actually trying to use the bathroom or if he had broken the toilet when he overheard my last statement. I wondered if he was seriously trying to use the bathroom. My question was answered when the roof began to leak. A small waterfall of water began to fall from the crack in the ceiling. "Do I wanna know what he's doing up there?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "No, in fact you don't. I'll go check up on him." She stood and sped upstairs.

"Older men, huh?" Jasper said aloud, drawing my attention. "How old?"

"What, are you proposing something, Jazz?" Emmet asked, punching Jasper playfully.

"Get in there!" I heard Alice hiss. Edward came down the stairs, his hair soaked, as was Alice's top once she appeared.

"What happened?" I asked.

"You don't want to know…" Alice growled, staring at Edward angrily.

"Any other embarrassing secrets you'd like to reveal in front of my family to make me even more embarrassed," Edward stated rhetorically.

Under any other circumstances, I would have felt bad for hurting Edward. Under these circumstances, I was laughing my pants off. In fact, I was reminded of a previous conversation that I had had with Esme. So, I went with it. Might as well go out with a bang…

"Yes, I do." I stated. I looked toward Esme. She smiled brightly, apparently being reminded of our conversation as well. I held up my hands as if in a confession. "I admit it! I did it! I did it!"

"What?" Emmet asked, clearly confused.

"I slept with Esme!" Once again, Edward fell out of his chair. But this time, the chair ended up in pieces.

Alice and Rosalie's faces lit up with shock and Carlisle ripped the magazine in which he was flipping through. That wasn't it.

"Bella! You weren't supposed to tell anybody!" Esme cried, portraying hurt rather well, and ran away from the group.

"Well, how did you expect me to react?" I retorted. She began her way toward the kitchen and I followed, as if two lovers in hot pursuit during an argument. "Did you expect me to be able to keep it a secret forever!?"

Once I got into the kitchen I saw Esme sitting on the counter, her legs crossed and a satisfied smile on her face. I closed the door behind me. Then, I heard another loud crash, and another leak formed, but this time in the ceiling of the kitchen. Esme reached behind her and pulled a bag of individually wrapped chocolates. "You did want candy, did you not?" I ignored the tiny splurge of water that shot in between us.


	10. Dirt Backfires

_Dirt Backfires_

There was a fund raiser at the mall. All of the Cullens were huddled at the eatery, as oddly as that was, and I was sitting with Edward in the midst of them all. None of them had touched their food. I felt Edward fidget in his seat. I smiled knowingly. He always hated the smell of pickles. I grabbed his burger and threw it on Emmet's tray, which jumped up surprised and not too fond of the smell either. "It's not the pickles, Bella," Edward stated, "just some thoughts of some passerby."

"What is it?" Alice asked.

"Apparently Heather Morrison is pregnant with Marshall Simpson's child…"

"Ooh, dirt…" Alice giggled. "Tell me more," she insisted.

"Alice!" I exclaimed. "That's mean!"

"What?" Emmet asked, shoving the burger into his mouth.

"Emmet why are you eating that awful smelling excuse for food?" Rosalie's face screwed as she looked away.

"What?" he repeated, "They need to think we're human. So I'm just helping out…"

"Okay," I moved his hands away from the burger. "Put the burger…" he growled at me, "put the burger down! Now!" He growled again. "No!" I said, pointing my finger at him as if he were a dog. "No!" He sat there a moment, then spit out a pickle. "Ew," I gasped.

"Ditto," Alice laughed. "Anyway, any other dirt?" she continued.

"Alice!" I hissed.

"What?"

I rolled my eyes. "Gossip is wrong. Dirt backfires!"

"Oh and how?" Alice asked, batting her eyelashes.

"Well…just…grrr!"

"I love it when she growls," Emmet smiled, "She's so cute when she tries to growl." And now Emmet was making fun of me?

"I know, right?" Edward agreed. And the love of my existence is agreeing… Grr!

Dammit! "Fine, I'll show you dirt," I stated, getting up. I left all of the Cullens.

"Oh, this is going to be good," I heard Alice say.

I weaved through the crowds of people. I saw Angela and Jessica sitting at a table. "I don't get these fundraisers…it's not like anyone actually makes any money…" Jessica complained.

I took their attention away from the current subject, I could tell. "What's up Bella?" Angela said happily.

"Oh, just getting away from the Cullens…" I said, faking a tiresome sigh.

"Really, what's wrong?" Jessica took my bate, itching for dirt. She wanted dirt, I would give her dirt.

"They're just gossiping," I rolled my eyes as I sat down.

"Really?" Angela asked, her brows furrowing. I gave Angela a knowing look. Hopefully she would see my hidden meaning behind my action. She nodded and then stated more casually, "Really?"

"Oh, yeah, little do they know that I've got the dirtiest dirt of all…on them!" I switched chairs so I could see the Cullen's reaction as I spoke. At this point, Emmet was trying to gorge that burger back down his throat, but the rest of the Cullen's eyes were wide. Especially Carlisle's. They actually thought I was going to spill their secret…?

"Do tell…"Angela played along. Jessica was just a sitting duck though. She was the experiment. Angela was just the partner. And the Cullens…well; they were the lab rats… Suddenly Mike came up and grabbed Jessica's attention. Angela pulled me aside. "What is it are we trying to do?" she asked.

"I'm trying to see how gullible Jessica is and how dirt can backfire…"

"On Jessica or the Cullens?"

"Just go with it," I whispered harshly.

Mike left us and Jessica was more than willing to listen to me. "So? Go on!"

I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure how exactly to go about this. "Just go with it," Angela mouthed.

"Well, it seems as if they gossip… But their dirt's the dirtiest…"

I saw Angela contain a laugh.

"Like…?" Jessica urged.

"Well, for one, the doctor…Carlisle…isn't as young as he looks…" I saw Emmet choke on his burger immediately. Why he was still eating it, I don't know.

"Hmmm?" Jessica leaned in, as did Angela.

"Well, both he and his wife…they're both full of Botox…" Across the table I saw Jasper hit Emmet on the back with force, trying to get the meat that had apparently lodged itself in his throat. I muffled a laugh and kept my attention to Jessica. "Oh, yeah, not to mention he's not even a real blond…" I saw Carlisle's reaction to that one. He was hovering over Emmet, making sure that no unnecessary precautions had to be taken, until his face fell and he looked straight forward. Ooh, it seems as if I had hit a nerve…

"Really?" Jessica almost choked.

I was thoroughly enjoying Jessica's reaction, as well as Carlisle's. So I went further. "Yeah, he's really brunette. Not only that, but he's graying!" Emmet now coughed up the piece of meat, and he let out a loud fit of laughter. They could hear every word…and I loved it. I was using their own skills against them.

"What else?"

"He's a plastic surgeon on the side. Didn't you know? The only things real about him are his abs…"

That's when Edward fell out of his chair. (He's been a danger to furniture lately.)

Jessica gasped. "You're not sleeping with Dr. Cullen…!"

That's also when Angela jumped in. "Yeah, she is!" There was another loud crash. Jessica turned her head, craning her neck to get a better view. I turned to Angela, a look of distraught upon my face.

"You wanna see how gullible she is, don't you?" she asked.

"I suppose," I really wasn't sure. I didn't want the dirt to back fire ON ME.

"Well are you?" Jessica asked. I could definitely have fun with this.

"Oh yeah," I stated. Mike was now behind her. He let out a laugh as well as Angela. "And his sons…and his wife…" Jessica actually believed me. That was the sad part.

"What about his kids?" Jessica asked.

"Oh, well, Emmet's not on steroids like everyone thinks…" Emmet's face fell that time, his jaw dropping. "Just mountain dew…"

"Oh, is it true what they say about Mountain Dew and with men's…" Jessica looked from me to Mike's crotch. Mike shifted on his feet, aware of where all our eyes were.

"No, I put him on mountain dew after…"

"Oh," she replied.

"Anything else…?"

"Alice wears alligator skin boots with snake skin hand bags…" I randomly put out there.

I didn't know if that was a serious fault, but I was answered when I heard a loud "That was one time!" and then in the corner of my eye, I saw the pixie storm off. Her reaction only made Jessica think these fibs were all the more true.

"What about the short one's boy? Jasper is it?"

"He's gay," I replied automatically. (I had prepared for Jasper.)

"No," she gasped.

Angela spit out her drink back into her cup and I patted her back in a friendly manner as she tried not to choke on her laughter. "Yeah, he's sleeping with Edward…" I played along.

"Oh is that why you two were separated for that long amount of time?"

"Oh yeah," I nodded. "I ran the entire family out of town…"

Angela was about to fall on the floor. "What about the blond?" Jessica asked.

This was where I stopped. I was actually afraid of what Rosalie would do to me… "Nothing, she's clean," I said, getting up. "Well Angela and I are just going to dig up some more dirt and we'll see you later…" I grabbed her by her sleeve and dragged her along to the Cullens. "What was that?" I asked. "What the hell?"

"Well, you needed a push!" she defended. "Besides, who's gonna believe what Jessica Stanley has to say?"

Just then, Ben arrived at our heels. "Bella, so when's the Cullen critter due? And whose is it?"

"A push?" I repeated, raising my eyebrow.

"So Bella, what's the lesson?" Rosalie chimed.

"Dirt backfires…" I replied sullenly.

"Ch'yeah it does," Rosalie laughed.

"Okay, do you want me to make you sleep with the pool boy?"

"I dare you!" she growled.

"Oh, Jess! There was one thing I missed!" I called, actually walking away. Angela tried to hold me back. "Screw dirt. I'm throwing mud now."

"Ooh, cat fight," Emmet cooed, earning awkward glances from Edward and Jasper. "Oh, and do people really think I'm on steroids?" he asked Edward…


	11. Raw Ideals Please Don't Judge Me

_Parody_

I sat down at the Cullens' in their living room, checking my email. I had realized that lately that I have become rather addicted to reviews. It wasn't that I didn't mind the reads, but I noticed that I never answer "Story Alerts" or "Author Alerts" in my email. Then I realized, I was addicted. So, I actually sat down and began to organize my email...And that's when the outburst came.

"I need a life," I said aloud.

"Why is that?" Edward questioned.

"Well, I don't mean it in a bad way," I corrected myself. I wasn't really going into detail, so I wasn't making much sense. "Technically, YOU are my life, Edward, and I _do_ love you..." I stopped, "Though you are dead...So you AREN'T my life..." I connected the dots in a confusing manner. I realized that I had attracted the Cullens' eyes with my rambling and ended up replying to Edward with "I LOVE YOU," mocking myself with my tone.

"Bella what are you going on about?" Emmet asked in a final tone.

"You ramble more than I do!" I pointed aloud, before he was able to get a smart ass remark across. Then I answered his question. "Well, I actually feel IMPORTANT whenever I answer email..."

"Bella, you are important!" Alice laughed. I know I sounded absurd.

"I know," I groaned. "And it actually got to the point where I went to my trash bin and restored ALL of the messages that I got today. Not only that! But I counted them! And now... I'm organizing the reviews by stories, and then the alerts, and then the author alerts into their own folder..."

"What about friends and PMs from MySpace and Live Journal and stuff," Jasper said casually.

"That too! Those get their own folders."

I caught sight of Alice who kept trying to say something, but it just wouldn't come out. Then she finally said, "Bella, I'm taking you shopping tomorrow!"

"You know what!" I replied, "I'm actually good with that! You know why? Because people with lives do that! Tomorrow: shopping!"

"Wow," Emmet chuckled, amused at my state. "Bella: Willing to go shopping with Alice WITHOUT shackles. This "No Life" thing must be bad..."


	12. Homedog

Btw, in this parody, Bella is not Team J or Team E. We could say that she's taking a break from both of them, because personally, I am Team J, and this is too short to add a story to it. Lol.

"Jake, don't kill the Cullens at school, what are you thinking?" Bella exclaimed, running up on the potential altercation in the school parking lot. The Cullens were all huddled to the right, observing Jake's conversation with Edward. She rolled her eyes. They fought so much. Like little children.

Edward's eyes pulled from Jake and onward to Bella.

"What is this?" she asked in shock.

"Jacob was just leaving," Edward sneered, turning to Jake with a venomous gaze.

Jake scoffed. "Yeah, whatever," and turned away.

Giggling at their childishness, she followed her friend to the other side of the parking lot where the bike was parked. "What the hell Jake," she laughed.

"Those blood suckers really do get on my nerves," he growled in frustration. He leaned on his bike nonchalantly, so confidently, crossing his arms.

"You know, I always wondered," she reached in her pocket, and pulled out a pencil. She looked to the left, and threw it a couple of feet, completely out of the blue. Bubbly she went, "Fetch!"

Crossed between confusion and astonishment, Jake lifted a brow. "Uhm, excuse me?"

"Awh," she whined, still giggling. "I just wanted to see if you would do it. Bad boy!"

He now laughed at her stupidity. "Wow, thanks, Bella."

"If you're not good, I won't rub your belly."

"Just shut up," he grumbled, trying to hid his smile. He turned, and swung one leg over his bike, readying his leave.

She reached over and hugged him. "See you later." He mumbled a few words about the upcoming weekend, that which they had plans, and started the bike. Then, she added, ever so slyly, "…homedog."

"BELLA!" he exclaimed!

"Going to class!"


	13. Canine Etiquette

Note: The last line is so random. I'm sorry, lol, but this whole collection is just Bella with my sense of humor.

Etiquette

"Seriously," she laughed. They walked along the beach lazily, side by side. "Am I the only one who looks at a werewolf and thinks, _Oh, they're so fluffy and cute!_"

After a pause, Jake finally went, dryly, "Yes, you are."

They laughed. "Wow, thanks for that one Jake."

"Well, we're supposed to be ferocious beasts!" he replied. "We're supposed to strike fear into our enemy's eyes, not run in a dog competition or something."

"But that's what I see! Just a big fluffy dog!"

"God, Bella, you're so messed up."

She paused for a moment, reveling in her fondness of the wolves. "What would you say…" she began slowly, "If I got you…a collar for your birthday?"

He stopped in his tracks, looking forward. She stopped as well, looking back at him with a furrowed brow. "I would never speak to you again," he said blankly.

She let out a loud laugh. "Oh come on, it'd just be a gag!" she went. "I'm still working on getting you to fetch."

"If you try to rub my stomach again, you think I won't throw you in the water," he teased, forcing back a smile, slapping her hands away as she reached for his hair. "The pack finds it very degrading, you know."

"Awh," she sighed. "My little pack of puppies."

"I'm serious Bella," he chuckled, "They're gonna get you one day."

"Eh, just flick 'em on the nose."

Jake could only imagine what would happen if Bella had the audacity to actually flick one of the pack members in the nose. "I've got to get you to quit this, Bella."

"Serenade me in 80s music and I'll do anything."


End file.
